Saturday, February 18, 2012
'What's Your Celebrity Dream?' by Aminat Yusuff.. Hilarious
You ever go to bed, wake up and find yourself in the most bizarre places? Some appeal to you, some make you cringe. Some of us are smart enough to know we're only dreaming yet we do whatever to resolve the conflict, you know, a resolution, the climax you're satisfied with (hey! Dirty minds,
not that kind of climax).
Well, I went back home one day after a hectic hustling-afternoon and hit my bed. I must have fallen asleep immediately because I don't even remember the last thing I thought of. Then I woke up in the midst of incredibly famous people. Of course I knew immediately I was dreaming but I was determined to mingle with these fine refined people. First, it was Al Pacino seated before me, something about his mannerisms tells me I'm important but I didn't
know I was Don Corleone at the time. I just figured I'm a big shot studio executive. Pacino said a lot of things but I didn't hear shit. I was thinking, hey! I hear this dude as clear as a bell in all his movies. Why not now? I mean God forbid, he was telling me he had testicular cancer, cos I planned to chuckle and tell him congratulations when he shuts up. Well, he did shut up. And I heard myself speak, only I sounded like Martin Scorcese. I'm like WTF! That dude is rich but weird. I can't be stuck in this body even in a dream. I switched scenarios fast.
Next, I ran into Morgan Freeman at the train station, he was getting on, I was standing there. I knew I recently had some reservations about the guy but all I could do was congratulate him for his academy recognition. Then he was gone and I said to myself, "hey, I was going to ask why a nice looking man like you want to be with your own step daughter. What kind of weird shit is that? Then R. Kelly came from no where and was like "yo, shorty, don't believe everything you read in the tabloids" and I go, " yeah, right. What about if they got it on tape and it peed on little under aged girls?" So he was like I believe I can flyyyyyy. I said, "good idea. Buzz off!". He left, tail between his legs, didn't even fly, more like hopped.
Next scene, I found myself in a horror movie, Freddie v. Jason. I guess I was scared at first, until I discovered Elms Street had hidden treasures. No pain, no gain, right? Everyone was getting on the last bus to leave Elms Street for Windsor Castle...lolz. Me, I ran away from the bus back to Elms street. What would Freddie or Jason do with the treasures, uh? Getting there, there were other greedy people fighting Jason to get the treasures. I stood back, watched as Jason sliced them all but two. They finally restrained Jason. I congratulated the two, told them I'd like to buy them some fine quality drinks, they were too happy to oblige me. So I bought and kept buying until they both fell asleep so I started to pack my treasures knowing fully well Freddie would take care of them. Number 1's head flew off, blood splattered on my face, I'm like, "bloody Freddie, still can't make a clean cut." Suddenly, the other guy woke up, brought Freddie back from his nightmare. So I told Freddie, "this guy's got some nerve bringing you here" and with the red queen's voice from Alice in Wonderland, I ordered, "off with his head!" And Freddie was a good soldier. Quickly, he waved his iron fingers and a head was off. Then Freddie turned against me and I'm like, "hey, asshole, you're in my world" and he goes, "no sweetie pie, you forget you're dreaming. You're in my world." For a minute, he had me going then I said, " na today? Dem never born your mama, when you no be jomi-joke. Commot!" So I'm like Jason, go get him tiger! Jason obeys but getting to Freddie, they both chopped knuckles like old buddies. Together, they faced me and charged towards me. It was time to change scenarios. I got out fast.
Now, I'm having a chat with Gerard Butler. Yeah, you know the 300 hero? Give it up for Gerry. I always wanted to tell him he deserved an oscar for his role in The Phantom of the Opera. Then I realised I wasn't the only Nigerian in the room. There she was, looking majestic, her tall, slim frame, Yinka Davies, the idol judge. I only meant to say hi and she was like, "leave me joor!" Then I realised she was after Sony's Tommy Motola. I wanted to remind her MJ did call this man the devil but I said to myself, you know, sometimes kids have to learn the hard way.
Again, I'm back at the office, Pacino goes on his knees and kisses the back of my hand. "Thank you, god father," he says. What! I am godfather? I look into the mirror, that I am, a cool, calm, godfather. No awkwardness. Pacino leaves and the man himself turns up. Leo! Leonardo Di Caprio. See, me and this dude, we go way back in wonderland. It's not once or twice I've climbed mountains, swam oceans to meet him and he ignored me. Once he even laughed at me. Does this guy have any idea how hard it is to meet celebrities even in dreams? This time again, he's giving me an attitude, even when I'm the Don. He pissed me off and I go, "hey, butt-face! You're not all that. Not anymore, you got old and you're fat!". Can you believe this wig wearing dude? He isn't even remorseful so I tell him in Robert De Niro's straight face, "no more fancy roles for you, pretty boy. From now on, you stick to your original roles as a retard. What's Eating Gilbert Grape? Tenth rate to Johnny Depp."
Yeah, Depp, now that's one cool guy I fancy maybe until I catch up with him and he turns out to be a jerk too. Suddenly, I realised I'm this big shot, soon, I'll wake up. Time to go find Fredo, have him bring lots of cash from Vegas maybe.
I must've found Fredo cos soon, I'm in a roomful of mad money. Now to get it to reality. Does anyone have any idea how to transfer funds from dreams to reality? Ever try western union or money gram, cram all the control numbers and stuff? How hard can it be? Metaphysics and all? Anyway, I decided I can be the jumper kid so with bags of raw cash strapped around me, I shut my eyes and jumped. Of course, it worked, I'm the master of my dreams. I'm back in my bedroom, no light of course but the money didn't come along. I tried to jump back only Freddie and Jason tased me. I was in such a frenzy, I attacked them both, they tried running for their miserable lives but fate caught up with them. I beat the bad guy out of them. Jason wept like a child and got muck on me. Shit! I turned my red eyes on him but God really does love even the sinners. Jason must have prayed and I woke up. I'd only slept for about 10mins I realised and I've been to places and met people. :)
What about you, fellas? Tell us your celebrity dreams.